It seems like every non-religious/patriotic based holiday these days end up being kind of a downer for the ol' Spence-meister*. Even a holiday that seems infallible for a imbibing type fella like me seems to be a little less fun this year, for mainly two reasons.
Let's start with how I woke up. I couldn't hear very well out of my left ear. This had been happening regularly, actually, but it went away pretty quickly. The general consensus of the Amateur Board of Physicians of America that I've been consulting with is that I probably just need my ear rinsed by a doctor with their fancy doctor tools.
Me being me, I put that shit off until I couldn't hear well for a day and a half. I plan on seeing a doctor tomorrow, so I'll go two days without hearing much from good ol' left-ear. Imagine if you shoved a really effective ear plug in your ear, then for good measure, covered it with your hand as well. That's how I feel. Kinda weird.
So, not a good way to start things off, but nonetheless, I powered through the day. As you may remember from the last time I blogged, I am now an intern, so I went to said internship, and was (quite benevolently) allowed to leave early, which gave me time to venture to the delightfully dive-y sports bar right next door that I had been eyeing since I arrived here.
I thought to get a Guinness, because, you know, I'm a walking stereotype, but plans changed when I saw they had domestic beer food-colored to be green. That's even more gravy for the stereotype sect, and I had yet to have a green beer ever, because last St. Patty's (my first legal one, if you're keeping track) the Irish pub I was at didn't think to do that, not sure why (trying to be classy? I don't know; either way, their bad).
I digress though. Green beer. Me--tired, weird ear, but excited because green beer! I'm only having one because I have to drive home and I've been up for far too long, but I wanted to celebrate what is nominally one of the more fun holidays.
This is where shit goes wrong.
It starts with a pretty girl. I'll call straight talk on this one; I don't think I've ever been approached by a random pretty girl in a place where alcohol is. Me being tired and down one functioning ear, not to mentioned still very sunburned from being out in the sun all day two days prior, I am decidedly out of my element when this happens, more so than I'd usually be out of my element.
But, in my head, I'm like, maybe this will be cool. I'm not a terrible looking dude, and my shoulders are slightly broader due to me diligently exercising specifically my shoulders. Perhaps I've become a magnet to the opposite sex in the past three weeks.
I start getting nervous, but in an excited way. She finally sets her green beer down on the opposite side of the counter where I am sitting by myself.
"Are you Mark Zuckerberg?"
Shit. I don't even know how to respond in a clever way, because I woke up 14 hours ago, and had been in the office for 12. My brain was so excited about the green beer that it was too focused on that. I'm a sucker for novelty.
"No, I'm not," I try to stammer out with a chuckle.
"No, you areeeee. I loved you in The Social Network." She informs me.
But this is confusing. Am I Mark Zuckerberg, or Jesse Eisenberg at this point? Which is the lesser of two evils? Is this decidedly blonde woman an anti-Semite? Again, can't process this all, because, green beer.
We talk for a little more, she explains she's been drinking green beer all night and is just messing around. She introduces me to her brother from a distance, who looks drunk and ornery and very quickly shoots out at me, "Hey, that's my baby sister" with an ominous tone.
All the while, I can't hear shit. I tell her this was my first green beer ever and I was very excited about it.
"Ever?!" She asks. I nod yes.
"So, you're like, what, 22 and a half?"
"Like, 22 and a quarter, I think."
What followed was an "oh my goshhhhh" look, and a quick farewell.
"It was nice meeting you; you were a good sport," I barely hear her say. She goes back to her table.
I finish the rest of my beer, sitting again on my own. I start to think about watching more of "The Trailer Park Bo--" WAIT A SECOND. What was that look? Was I too young for her or something? Was she hitting on me? Holy shit, that would be awesome! Maybe I'm awesome!
But then again, if I was a surrogate for Jesse Eisenberg or Mark Zuckerberg (both?), maybe that wasn't the most flattering come-on that could happen.
So then I just went home and watched "The Trailer Park Boys," had a Guinness (Extra Stout!), and pondered over whether I should work on improving my posture.
It was a weird night I felt like sharing. Happy Friday, everyone. I'll spare you all a Rebecca Black joke here.
*Oh God, I just typed that. I should probably edit it out when I'm done writing all of this.
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